Scene #6
CUT BACK TO:
INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS.
The tunnel ends at an impressive wooden door. A burnished frog-shaped knocker hangs at its center, and beneath it the symbol of a forked path has been burned into the wood.
ELIORAH reaches over and steals the massive swoopy pirate hat off of THEO’s head, then holds it out of her reach.
THEO scowls at them.
SULO(V.O.)
I uh, I knock on the door.
ALAMI knocks on the door, the sound echoing.
NOGA(V.O.)
The door is opened by an old man in a nightgown and like a-- what are those cartoon pajama hats called?
The door is opened by an old man with a long beard in a nightgown and bunny slippers.
THEO(DORE)(V.O.)
Oh! Nightcap?
NOGA(V.O.)
Yes! Exactly.
There's a small poof of smoke and the old man is now wearing a nightcap.
SANTIAGO(V.O.)
I thought a nightcap was when you have a drink before bed.
There's a small poof of smoke and the old man is now also holding a martini glass.
SULO(V.O.)
Is he holding one of those little, those, candles? In a candle holder?
There’s another poof and now he also has a candle on a little candle holder.
OLD MAN
(creakily)
Who is it?
Who's there?
What do you want?
ELIORAH
(uncomfortable)
We’re looking for the omniscient wizard of legend? Unetana sent us…
OLD MAN
You-- oh! Oh. You're Those Assholes.
Beat.
OLD MAN
...Hang on.
The old man slams the door shut.
NOGA(CONT'D, V.O.)
--and you hear sort of-- a kind of shuffling from behind it.
Noises of the shuffling variety come from behind the door. The party glance at each other, confused.
NPC is reading through the DM notes in b.g.
OLD MAN(O.S.)
(muffled through the door)
Can you knock again? It doesn't feel right otherwise.
ELIORAH dutifully knocks again on the door. The old man flings open the door, now looking like a classic wizard in robes and a wizard hat. He's holding the nightcap in one hand, the martini glass in the other, and stands impressively in front of the party.
OLD MAN
My name is Wizard Dominic the Omniscient! Or Wiz Dom the Omn, for short.
SULO (O.S.)
(laughing)
Wiz Dom... is he--- Is he– involved in like--
Offscreen sounds of SULO cracking up.
WIZ DOM
(unprompted)
And yes, before you ask, I am very active in the BDSM community! Over there, they call me Dom Wiz Dom.
Offscreen sounds of SULO dying.
WIZ DOM (CONT’D)
Not to be confused with Dumb Wiz Dumb. That's my brother. Eugh.
Wiz Dom shudders.
WIZ DOM (CONT’D)
Anyway. What is thy request?
THEO(LOGY)
You're the wizard of legend?
WIZ DOM does finger guns.
WIZ DOM
You bet your ass I am, bucko. Why don't you all come in.
WIZ DOM ushers them into the room.
CUT TO:
INT. DOM WIZ DOM’S QUARTERS - CONTINUOUS.
The room is a mess. Robes, hats and fluffy slippers of all shapes and sizes lay around on every surface. Lamps and candles are balanced in between open tomes and scrolls.
A large wet frog sits gulping in a round tank. There are magazines on the floor with titles like: “Wizardly Weekly” and “Video Games for the Discerning Wiz” and “Ribbons, Robes, & More!”.
SANTIAGO(V.O.)
Can I roll perception?
NOGA(V.O.)
Go for it.
Sound of dice rolling.
SANTIAGO(V.O.)
16!
NOGA(V.O.)
You perceive that Wiz Dom's robes are made from the exact same fabric as his pajamas. In fact, you're pretty sure they're the same garment. Anyway--
The party follows WIZ DOM through.
NOGA(CONT’D, V.O.)
--As he gestures you all in he turns to you, Al, and he says--
As they walk WIZ DOM turns to ALAMI and raises his eyebrows.
WIZ DOM
Hey, you must be your group's big fighter, eh? Eh?
(flexes his muscles and winks)
Big tough Orc like you?
ALAMI looks at him, lost.
ALAMI
Actually, I'm a bard--
WIZ DOM
Never mind.
He immediately turns away from ALAMI, sweeping his robes as he leads the way.
WIZ DOM kicks aside clothes and various belongings out of the way as the party enters the wizard's quarters.
WIZ DOM
Sorry, I wasn't expecting company today.
THEO reaches out and flicks the end of WIZ DOM’s nightcap that he's still holding.
THEO(LOGY)
Nice hat, Dom.
WIZ DOM
Eh? You want it?
He takes the hat and puts it on her head. Her horns stick up weirdly underneath, making lumps.
THEO smiles and adjusts the hat. It's ugly as fuck.
CUT TO:
WIZ DOM leads them to a table with a crystal ball.
In b.g. NPC flips through the notes and scratches their head.
WIZ DOM gestures at the crystal ball as he speaks.
WIZ DOM
Here's my omniscient crystal ball, Googol. Using my scrying powers I can answer one question for you. Now I must ask, would you like to search for something specific?
Or are you… feeling lucky?
ALAMI
What, only one question? Not even one per person?
WIZ DOM
Yeah, well. I don't have great WiFi down here in this cave. Some days I barely get two bars.
He holds up two bars of gold.
Party laughs. Laugh track plays. Whatever.
THEO tosses the dangly part of the nightcap behind her shoulder.
NPC flips another page.
THEO(LOGY)
Why do you live down here if you don’t have good WiFi?
WIZ DOM
(duh)
Uh, Unetana rebel? I'm undercover too, you know. But mostly it’s for the wizardly aesthetic.
NPC squints at something and slowly raises a hand. Nobody notices.
ELIORAH
Right. So guys, we can't spend our one question on something stupid. We have to make damn sure we’re asking the most important thin--
NOTZAR
(not NOGA’s voice)
O great wiz, what is a D and D?
Party cracks up.
NOGA(V.O.)
You guys haven't noticed but this whole time they've been reading the DM notes and-- heh-- Nah, I'm kidding, he didn't say that. Ask your real question.
ALAMI
(still laughing)
Yeah, um. How do I phrase this.. Who--
ELIORAH
(interrupting)
What should we know about the zombies and Guffin?
THEO(LOGY)
(overlapping)
Where's Mac?
ALAMI glares at them.
ALAMI
One question, remember?
THE(OLOGY)
I just
miss
him man…
THEO(DORE)(V.O.)
And Theo like shoots a glare at NPC and does the two fingers to the eyes and then points at NPC--
THEO(OLOGY) does that exactly. NPC doesn’t notice because he’s still reading.
WIZ DOM
So which question did you want me to answer again? The D&D one?
NPC looks up from his notes and nods his head yes very very vigorously.
ELIORAH
No no. The question about the zombies--why are they--what are they?
NOGA(V.O.)
So right then, a guy who looks almost the same as Wiz Dom --but with a curly mustache and coke-bottle glasses--– peeks his head out behind the door frame, and he says--
DUMB WIZ DUMB
(cackling)
Ohohohohoh, the answers are more entwined than you think! For every "what" there is a "why"! For every "where" a "when"! For every--
WIZ DOM shoves him back behind the door frame with the weary efficiency of someone who has done this many times before.
WIZ DOM
Don't mind my brother, as I've said he’s very dumb. Now, would you mind elaborating? Googol works best with specifics… perhaps you could use some key words and some operators for a refined search?
ALAMI
Sure. Ok. Where is Guffin? That's who we assume is possessing people, right? The leader of the Fatalists?
THEO(LOGY)
That's not enough, we need to know why they are--
SULO(V.O.)
I cuff Theo on the head-- do I need to roll?
NOGA(V.O.)
What are you trying to do?
SULO(V.O.)
Just lightly-- a friendlylike swipe to get them to shut up--
NOGA(V.O.)
Sure, you bonk them.
SULO(V.O.)
Right, and I say--
ALAMI smacks the back of THEO’s head. The nightcap falls off her head onto the floor in front of her.
WIZ DOM lets out a
strangled gasp.
As the others argue, NPC quietly folds down a page corner in the notes.
ALAMI(CONT’D.)
Who cares why the zombies exist? We need to figure out how to defeat them!
NOTZAR
Maybe we shouldn’t be assuming that--
ELIORAH
I think it's more important to know who are the people getting possessed--
THEO(DORE)(V.O.)
I slap back at Alami--
While turning to slap ALAMI, THEO kicks the nightcap under WIZ DOM’s orb table. WIZ DOM scrambles for it.
SULO(V.O.)
I’m just gonna put my hand out and keep you there at arm’s length, y’know?
ALAMI casually plants a hand on THEO's forehead, keeping her at bay.
Her tail lashes angrily.
THEO(LOGY)
That's literally not going to help even a teensy bit--
ELIORAH
How?
THEO(DORE)(V.O.)
I duck under Al’s arm.
She does so.
NOTZAR
Heheh, when is Guffin possessing people--
ALAMI
Yeah, we can who-what-where-when-why-how this later. Right now we get one question, and mine makes the most sense.
Dom Wiz, you listening?
WIZ DOM gets up from under the table and slaps his thighs.
WIZ DOM
Bring it.
ALAMI
Where can we find Guffin, the leader of the Fatalists?
WIZ DOM stands and
ponders over the Orb
, Googol, as it begins to turn colors and spin.
He stares into the Orb and his pupils mimic the loading circle thing for a second.
As the loading circle fades, WIZ DOM turns to the party and slides a roll of parchment over.
WIZ DOM
Before I give you the answer, I need to see if you are an automaton. Please point at all squares containing a centaur.
The scroll has six badly done drawings of horses, men and centaurs.
THEO points at three out of six of the squares.
Nothing happens.
ALAMI points at the bottom left square.
WIZ DOM straightens up and clears his throat.
WIZ DOM
The one you seek is in constant movement. However, as of this exact moment they are situated in Dejar Springs, Vidente Forest.
ELIORAH looks up quickly.
THEO(LOGY)
(sarcastically)
Nice job, Salami. Now we get to gallivant off to some nowheresville while Guffin is probably already gone. Fantastic use of our one question.
ALAMI scowls.
ELIORAH stares at the floor.
ELIORAH
Guys…
(beat)
That's my hometown.
NPC opens his mouth to say something but ALAMI waves his hand in their face.
ALAMI
Shut up for a sec, NPC.
NPC immediately closes his mouth.
THEO(LOGY)
It's your call then. Should we go after Guffin?
ELIORAH
I mean… I guess. If-- If that's where the quest is taking us. Anything for Mac, right?
THEO(LOGY)
Yeah.
(she turns to WIZ DOM.)
Look, Dom. Can't we get one more question? One that will actually help us? From one rebel to another.
She clasps her hands together and gives him puppy dog eyes.
WIZ DOM shrugs.
WIZ DOM
Sorry, no can do. Not even up to me. Ball’s on the fritz.
(He pats the crystal ball and raises his eyebrows.)
At least it's just this ball right? Eh? Eh? Not my--
ALAMI
(interrupting)
Yes, yes we get it, thank you! Can we pay to get your ball fixed? Look, we got cash.
ALAMI pulls out a few coins from his travel pack.
DOM WIZ blushes and puts a hand to his chest, flattered.
WIZ DOM
Well! Isn't that kind!
Listen, it'll take a while. You won't believe how difficult it is to convince any self respecting repair technician to come down here. BUT!
(He raises his finger in the air.)
I might still be able to help. Hows about we sit down and have a drink, and you can pick my brain?
The party sighs and they settle into the stuffy high backed chairs.