Notzar as Himself
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Scene #7
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EXT. VIDENTE FOREST - DAY.
The trees are thin and tall, birchlike, swaying in the airy, pleasant wind.
The party walks through the woods. Heads up they're going to be walking through various woods a lot.
THEO wears the pirate hat again.
NOGA(V.O.)
It's a three day walk to Dejar Springs but you, Eliorah, know the way pretty well.
ELIORAH unconsciously picks up the pace.
NOGA(V.O. CONT’D)
It is getting dark though so you might want to stop for the night. Someone roll a survival check.
Ooh look at me I know dnd stuff whooo
oh fuck u. Or they can roll on the encounter table ig
ALAMI runs his hands through his hair.
ALAMI
Is there an inn or anything nearby? I don't want to spend the night outside in a forest again. It’s not good for my skincare routine.
NOGA(V.O.)
Give me a roll, I can tell you if you see anything.
ALAMI
14.
NOGA(V.O.)
Not bad. You see a creepy little hobbit man.
The party turns a corner and we see a weak-looking hobbit man wearing a pilgrim hat leaning up against a tree, tossing and catching a small money pouch.
NPC nearly walks into a tree, eyes still glued to the notes.
NOGA(CONT’D, V.O.)
Roll to see if you have a weirdly sexual relationship with him.
THEO(LOGY)
Oh, gross.
The creepy little hobbit man raises his eyebrows up and down.
like that one gif .
ALAMI
(Trying not to laugh)
Uhm. 5?
NOGA (V.O.)
He's still gonna flirt creepily at you though.
ALAMI
Aw man.
CREEPY HOBBIT MAN
Hey there, stranger.
He winks.
I think he just sounds like Noga putting on a bad Scottish accent btw
oh thats perfect
CREEPY HOBBIT MAN
You seem like a wild fella. Need a place to let off some steam?
Party cracks up. cries. Sobs. im on the floor
Literally im only leaving that line in because you like it so much. I hate it. I hate it. It haunts me at night. Sighhhhh sigh sigh
THEO
You'd get broke trying to handle anything bigger than a grape, twig!
ALAMI
(disgusted)
Ew. I'm not even--
CREEPY HOBBIT MAN
You're--don't tell me… You're a Barbarian? You must be at least a Fighter...or uhhhh--
ALAMI bristles.
ALAMI
A Barbarian! Excuse me sir, what exactly do you take me for?
THEO
(in b.g)
What’s wrong with being a Barbarian?
ELIORAH pats her on the back.
CREEPY HOBBIT MAN scratches his neck, awkward.
CREEPY HOBBIT MAN
Well, with your big uh. Weapon there, strapped to your back y’know you can't fault me for uhm--
ALAMI
Sir, I have spent years cultivating an artistic identity!
ALAMI brings his instrument around to the front.
ALAMI (CONT’D)
And this is a lute.
It is not, in fact, a lute. It is a ukulele.
RIPTIDE?? REALLY
Shrugggggggggg
ALAMI
(Muttering to himself)
Fucking goblins..
CREEPY HOBBIT MAN
(offended)
I'm a hobbit, you buffoon.
Well actually they're called halflings in dnd so jot that down real quick
SOBS .CRIES. I KNEW THAT
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
(in the exact same tone)
I’m a Halfling, you buffoon.
I really did know that i promise
ALAMI
Do I have "hit things for a living" written on my forehead? Why does everyone keep doing that?
CREEPY HOBBIT MAN kicks a rock.
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
So uh. Did you guys want something.
THEO
You approached us, asshole!
ELIORAH pushes her out of the way.
ELIORAH
Yeah, we're looking for a place to rest for the night. Do you know of any inns or taverns nearby?
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
Well…
(Creepy chortle)
Knowledge ain't free. Eyebrow raise.
THEO(in b.g.)
Did he just say “eyebrow raise”?
CHM turns to her and looks her up and down.
THEO crosses her arms, unimpressed.
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
Nice hat.
THEO
That's the first smart thing you've said.
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
You a hat connoisseur? I'll trade you for mine.
THEO glares at him.
THEO
No way!
NPC frowns at something in the notes.
ALAMI snaps his fingers, getting CHM’s attention again.
ALAMI
What's your price, Hobbit man? And not the hat.
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
In that case, just your standard moneyyy, if you please.
CREEPY HOBBIT MAN holds out his hand and does the classic gimme gimme motion.
THEO
(in a side whisper to Alami)
Good thing we still have all that cash from the Fire Witch.
ELIORAH flips a coin at him, which he catches.
ELIORAH
Now where…?
CHM languidly points like the Creation of Adam painting in a direction.
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
About half an hour walk that way, good folk. And take the hat too, why don't you. On the house.
He takes off his pilgrim hat and hands it to THEO.
She takes it with her fingertips, not one to pass up a hat, even from a creep.
ALAMI
Can I do an insight check to see if he's telling the truth?
NOGA(V.O.)
I mean, I guess so?
ALAMI
(dejected)
Yeah no, that's a 3.
ELIORAH
We'll just go in that direction then, I guess.
They start walking in that direction.
NPC waves as they leave.
NOTZAR
Bye, creepy halfling man!
CREEPY HALFLING MAN cups his hands around his mouth like a megaphone.
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
Oh, and you, Orc boy!
ALAMI flips him off as he continues walking away.
ALAMI
Our business relationship has concluded! We! Are! Done!
CREEPY HALFLING MAN
(hollering)
Take this as a tip from a well meaning source! Heed your quest!
ALAMI turns around and sticks out his tongue.
I saw some preps. I stuck out my middle finger at them.
As ALAMI continues walking backwards, a ringing phone sounds over the scene.
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